“I am leaving”, “I am not coming back”, “I swear I will leave”, “if I ever leave you will never see my face again”, “I could not leave”, and “I have been denied access”. I have always used to say this, and I still do until now. I am turning 24 in September, unmarried, unemployed, depressed, and always bored. I sleep during the day, and stay awake during the night. Recent statistics state that unemployment in Gaza Strip has reached 45.2% and I am considered amongst the unemployed.
For the first time in my life, I am considered a member of a society. I don’t blog about politics; hence I am not considered as a blogger. Given that the majority of bloggers here blog about politics. I, however, don’t write about that at all. My blogs are more of personal. My own views. My own thoughts. My own feelings; hence the words.
Countless are the times I tried to leave Gaza but never could. Countless are the days I spent praying to God to help me leave even for a short visit to Egypt, a country almost everybody in Gaza has been to. It has been six years now since I first started contacting universities in North America and Europe. Six years ago, I was full of hope that it is finally the time for me to live out of Gaza at least for once.
Six years ago, my best friend Tarek, moved to Canada to study civil engineering. Six years ago, I cried blood when we said goodbye because I knew I would never see him ever again. Six years ago, all I ever wanted was to move to Canada and be with my friend. We used to phone each other on a daily basis for the first month, then once every couple of days, then once a week, once a month, once a year. And now, we don’t talk at all. It broke my heart. It really did.
A year after another, tens of applications submitted, admission received, scholarships granted, negotiations, fights, and troubles. All has come to the same conclusion, denial.
Don’t be a friend if you plan to leave. Don’t say you will if you won’t. Don’t lie to me to make me feel better because I’ll be hell on you when I find out. Don’t accuse others of things they’re not. Shut the fuck up. Be youself.