A Five-Star Experience Story

Four days ago, five university friends and myself went to the first five-star hotel everybody was talking about which, many tweeps have asked me about If it really exists and how does it look like.

As you all already know, I have never been abroad before so I don’t know how does a five-star hotel looks like from both in and outside, but I could imagine utmost luxury and superb everything and paying a fortune for a cup of coffee on the top of the list that never ends.

The entrance was marvelous yes! The whole “huge” building was air-conditioned and the furniture and the interior of it was just .. I can’t begin to describe to be honest. We walk through the halls, from a restaurant hall to another seeing families having good time and everyone was happy. What astonished me the most was seeing waitresses! (Wait, before you start thinking of it, girls don’t work as waiters here) and oh, they were beautiful with this bright smile. So heart capturing.

The hotel has different restaurant halls. Some that looked like a real restaurant with dinning tables and chairs and stuff and others were more of a living room. Yes a living room with Sofas and LCDs and low tables we Arabs have in the guest room. And then, there were these open spaces as cafes for drinks and shisha. None of the drinks served has alcohol, sorry!

What attracted my sight was a tiny shop inside the hotel called “Peace Shop” mainly targeting foreigners selling them Palestine related souvenirs for hell lots of money (at least x5 more the regular price at any shop around Gaza!). It’s a five-star hotel, you know.

Because we are in Eid and people spend the Eid money eating and smoking shisha in fancy restaurants, we had to book a table at noon. In spite of having fun with my friends, the prices were incredibly insanely unbelievably high which, was expected of course.

The menu was one-third A3 paper size. The back had some prints while the other side had the four-section menu. In the hot drinks section, they had Turkish coffee, espresso, chococino, tea, Nescafé, and herbal tea. In the shisha section, they had Apple, cherries, bon-bon, and apricot shisha. In the soft drinks section, they had Coca Cola and PEPSI products, mango juice, strawberry juice, guava juice, and cocktail juice. In the dessert section, they had black forest, banana split, cheesecake, and Bavaria cake. Do you seriously call that a five-star hotel menu? I mean seriously.

The food menu was something from another planet. It was literally BIG! But don’t be fooled, it was one-sided and looks like a children’s poster with its awful design. The menu had hot dogs, chicken toast, vegetable pizza of an ant’s asshole size (pardon my French), labneh, hummus, and tuna sandwiches.

A tuna sandwich is sold for £2 in London, which is considered too expensive. This hotel sells it for £6! Pizza tasted good I admit but not like a real pizza would taste. And chicken toast? It was one large toast cut into halves with 70% vegetables and 30% chicken meat for £6.

Also, if you would like side fries you will have to pay extra £2. The side fries don’t fill half a beta bread and it tastes HORRIBLE!

Coffee was the best I have ever had compared to all the other restaurants I have been to though it was cold. We had to wait for a waiter to come take the orders for over an hour. And waited another to get our hot drinks served cold.

The waiters were neither smiley nor friendly. You thank them and they don’t reply, you tell them you’ve been waiting for too long and they reply “do you think I’m playing here?” like WTF Mr. Waiter? Oh sorry, your majesty. The tables were not comfortable. They were some cheap ass metal tables suitable for the balance game you can find in a park.

At the end of the evening, we paid over $140 for 5 cups of coffee, 4 ant’s asshole sized pizza, and 3 chicken toast. And as one of the guys said, “They should rename it to chicken flavored crackers.

I am VERY disappointed. I actually have never been disappointed in my while life as much as I felt that night. A goddamned five-star hotel serves you the best with 1 customer or a THOUSAND. If you can’t and are not capable of doing this, just fucking close your sorry ass cafes and fire the fucking amateur waiters of yours. On top of all that, their Wi-Fi hotspot covers very tiny area in the corner of one of the cafes. So if you want to use Internet on your phone. Then forget it.

Nader K.

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About Nader Elkhuzundar

Nader Elkhuzundar is a commentator on Palestinian affairs and Co-founder of Beyond Compromise (www.beyondcompromise.com). Elkhuzundar occasionally freelances for The Guardian, International Business Times, and others. He's a social media enthusiast and tech savvy with particular interest in new technologies and analytics, and enjoys reading over Arabic coffee and dark chocolate.
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3 Responses to A Five-Star Experience Story

  1. palestine says:

    hah! what an irony ….
    it’s fabulous gaza u are gonna have to hanndle it .

  2. vasya says:

    Who, the hell, eats in a hotel ???

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