Apathetic Void

A memory. This is what how I see myself, just like everything and everyone else.
A memory was once the future, became the present, then slowly fades away. Just like every other memory.

I never could imagine myself reaching this level apathy. I never thought I would become so careless about everything. Losing absolutely all and any interest in everything.
I hear people talking, yet my mind refuses to understand what’s being said. Feels almost the same as to hearing people speak to you in a language you don’t understand at all.

I think about what I would want to say. And after hours of thinking, or rather finding the words in mind. Words that are yet to lose their meanings to me. I find a word or two to start with, I open my mouth to speak, then suddenly, I forget what I wanted to say. I try to remember what I wanted to say, I stutter, and all I could see is the void.

*sigh* I never thought I would reach the void. Never thought I would become an apathetic. It’s been over a month since I have written something that makes sense. Maybe more, I don’t know.

And here I am, trying to remember what I was trying to say. I’ve forgotten why I even started writing this post. Only because I’m not literally saying this, I’m filling the space, increasing the word count with words that I seem to have forgotten the meaning of, for an unknown reason.

If I’m to blame someone for what and how I feel right now, I wouldn’t know who or what should I start with. My parents, myself, my friends, economy, people I know, politics, religion, God, israel, and the list goes on to contain literally everything and everyone you can possibly think of.

I would blame my parents for not raising me and helping me realize and understand that the standards they’re raising me up to don’t exist anymore. Or maybe they’ve let me think what I want to think and act accordingly. But this only proofs that this is a major failure my parents have raised me up to live, and become.

I was here once. I’ve known you all. We’ve spoken. We shared secrets. We laughed. We cried. We discussed politics and traditions. Even the weirdest of things. We grew up together. Feelings grew too. We met people. We forget about each other, slowly. Ending up a memory. A memory that might one cherish for a second. Or a memory that had never existed.

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About Nader Elkhuzundar

Nader Elkhuzundar is a commentator on Palestinian affairs and Co-founder of Beyond Compromise (www.beyondcompromise.com). Elkhuzundar occasionally freelances for The Guardian, International Business Times, and others. He's a social media enthusiast and tech savvy with particular interest in new technologies and analytics, and enjoys reading over Arabic coffee and dark chocolate.
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