Fishing in The Dead Sea

Here I am writing again about how much of a miserable life I have. I’ve always used to say that venting can be therapeutic. It’s my blog’s slogan! But this has slowly been becoming my runaway space where I can blindly write without any grammatical restriction. It’s only words. Words that flow in my mind. Words I feel like writing without caring about who is going to read or what would the reader think.

I’ve always been the caring kind. I don’t know if I can keep on with this, or just give up and start a life of plastic feelings, plastic emotions, plastic facial expression and body language, Plastic everything. Very similar to Barbie world.

I’ve been suffering from writers block for a very long time. Probably the longest I’ve ever lived so far. I don’t really know if I’m having writers block anymore or if I ever had it from the beginning. And here I am again, writing about writers block yet still complain about having that. Weird.

Music doesn’t comfort me anymore. Nothing does. I don’t know what it is but I’ve reached this level of apathy where I can’t be bothered to do, say, or feel anything for anyone at all. Whatever the reason might be.

I have no idea if this is good or bad. I know I’m changing. I know I have been. But it’s not the way I want to be. Moreover, it’s nothing I can control anymore. I know life is all about ups and downs. I know life isn’t what we always want. I know what you all are going to say. I know what you’re thinking of as you’re reading this. I’ve tried it too. It didn’t work.

I wish I know what triggered this change. I’ve been looking deep into my soul trying to find out what’s causing all of this but I just can’t find out the reason why. I’m still looking. I didn’t give up yet. I never will. But it’s becoming exhausting to the point I can’t even bother look into it anymore. I’m twisted because one side of me is telling me to give in but on the other side I want to know what has happened and why is it happening and stop it.

I look around me and I see sad people. Torn between work and poverty. Look the other side and see happy people. Big bellies and fat legs and arms laughing loudly. I look at myself and I see nothing. Absolutely nothing but utter darkness surrounded by absolute apathy.

I listen to music with lyrics I don’t understand trying to find myself in a word I don’t know the meaning of or even how to spell it.

Full of emptiness I am. Or rather, I’ve become I’m afraid. Fishing in the Dead Sea.

PS: I finished writing this post and I swear I have no idea why am I writing this or what is it about. I’m sorry if you end up confused because I am too.

Did you like this? Share it:

About Nader Elkhuzundar

Nader Elkhuzundar is a commentator on Palestinian affairs and Co-founder of Beyond Compromise (www.beyondcompromise.com). Elkhuzundar occasionally freelances for The Guardian, International Business Times, and others. He's a social media enthusiast and tech savvy with particular interest in new technologies and analytics, and enjoys reading over Arabic coffee and dark chocolate.
This entry was posted in Thoughts and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *