It’s funny how things always tend to go the way you don’t want. What’s funnier is that no matter what you do to make it work, you will get the same results.
It’s sad that whenever I try to be happy, I remember those who lost someone dear like a father, a mother, a brother, a sister, or a very close friend. It’s hard to smile knowing that some one is deeply hurt, someone is crying their heart out because they have lost someone close, just because the Israelis wanted to party at night.
I smile to give people hope, to help them smile and see a brighter side of the world. Behind this smile, lie a thousand hopeless thoughts, a deep scar in the heart, and a river of tears. Then I try to think of something good, or even remember good moments I have had in the past, but every time I remember something, my heart aches.
It’s dark and quite, piano plays, and raging thoughts. I look at the keyboard and the only letters I could recognize are the ones that compose your name. Suddenly, your pictures start flashing in front of eyes, as I start hearing explosions, high adrenaline, and rapid heartbeats. Then I start wishing if I have at least tried and told you how I feel.
Is it I? Or, I feel strange for some unknown reasons? Why do I keep feeling like this? Is this what I have always wanted? Is it the surroundings? Or is it how I react? What if she doesn’t like me? What if I am not showing much interest? Am I being very nice to every one to the fact that she probably thinks that I am a flirt? How does she feel towards me? Am I just someone? Is she nice because she really is? Or is it because I am a Palestinian?
People say that you should think with your heart not with your mind. For me, my mind doesn’t function so well in such situations. I have tried looking for answers for the many questions I have in mind, and I always come to endless assumptions that do nothing but sink me deeper in and make me more lost.
Feeling lost is terrible; regretting is as terrible too. I so often feel lost whenever I remember where I am in this world and what have I done to humanity, including myself, and I regret not grabbing a chance and telling her how I feel. I am in an unenviable situation. I feel bad whenever somebody tries to help me find myself and I unintentionally close all doors.
I look at a picture of her, stare at her eyes and I find myself. I close the picture, I feel lost, and I lose track again.