Midnight Rant

I think I have a problem. I cant bear but think of how very fucked up my future will be, and how would I wander the earth to find a girl to marry. Yet all the girls I’ve met turn out to be not the one I’ve been looking for, and I find out that my best friend is in love with me. Secretly. But she sees me do all that, yet she’d never let it out. Instead, she let it eat her heart out. Now that she’s hurt, she tells me. She runs into my arms and cries on my shoulder and says: ‘I love you so much but I don’t think I can be with you’, kisses me on my cheek and runs away looking back at me every few steps. Drawing the last picture of my sad face.

So shocked from what has happened that I can’t think anymore. I stand here, on the railway, watching her run away, unable to move. As she fades away in the distance, I start to realize the fact of how she’s been continuously showing that she loves me. Yet those girls my wandering soul has been meeting deluded me.
That’s what I see when I stare at the wall in the pitch-black darkness when electricity is cut.

The wind is raging outside. God must be angry. Nothing lights the darkness. Street lamps are off. Passing through the almost non-existent spaces between the window parts. Boxes rolling on the asphalt by the force of the wind. Dogs are barking. Palm trees are slamming.

Why do I feel this sudden weakness crawling into my soul? It’s really scary to be in the dark. No electricity or anything. With the Israeli Apaches and F16s over your head going back and forth on low altitudes ejecting heat balloons in case of any SAM missiles on the ground. As if we have any.

You can hear the apaches gearing up the heavy machine guns. You start counting how many bullets have been fired then it goes too fast that you lose the count because you can’t distinguish anymore. Judging what you’re hearing, you start discussing where would this be happening, and the possibility of them reading your area and if a potential target is any close to you so you prepare yourself. Or maybe evacuate intending to be proactive, yet, deep inside you realize the fact that there’s nowhere to run.

a nearby explosion shakes your whole neighborhood like a belly dancer to a tabla. Leaving corpses and injuries behind. Rubble. Dust. Women screaming crying to God for mercy and calling out for help, and asking God for peace. This keeps happening on different occasions at no certain time.

Different armor is used against armless people defending their stolen land whose weapons are nothing but a stone and a bare chest. Their only crime: defending their land and trying to get what’s rightfully theirs.

As this keeps happening, you become immune to all of this. Even more. As this keeps happening, your body learns anxiety, putting you behind your sleeping schedule for school or work. Putting you ahead of time for failure.

Now all of that happens, You’re scared. You pray it doesn’t happen again. But the more you pray, the more they murder, the more they demolish, the more they displace and harass. Now all that happens, even the noise of a drone scares you leaving you worries the whole time without them caring that you would lose your life, ambitions, and dreams to it.

Man without hope is of no use or a meaningful existence. To live is to aspire. To work hard towards your dreams.

I’m tired. Mentally tired.

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About Nader Elkhuzundar

Nader Elkhuzundar is a commentator on Palestinian affairs and Co-founder of Beyond Compromise (www.beyondcompromise.com). Elkhuzundar occasionally freelances for The Guardian, International Business Times, and others. He's a social media enthusiast and tech savvy with particular interest in new technologies and analytics, and enjoys reading over Arabic coffee and dark chocolate.
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4 Responses to Midnight Rant

  1. Christine says:

    You write so beautiful. That’s really all I can say.. – I just didn’t want to pass by without letting you know how much this made an impression on me.

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