Random Ramblings

A busy crossroads charged with a countless thoughts and questions. A brown-bearded man standing in the middle of it. Pale clothes, bare-foot.

This is the image of how I often see myself nowadays. Slapped on both sides of me face repetitively by emotions and thoughts swaying me between each and every one.

Deep breath.

 

The level of indecisiveness I have reached is the highest in over two decades leaving me shattered between what the mind wants and what the heart desires.

I often doubted the existence of whatever comes to mind. Some say doubt is a step towards belief, but I’m afraid it’s only pushing me towards losing faith.

Lips arced towards the sky

 

The happiness of others makes me sad, especially when it has to do with people gathering. I look and think of what has gone wrong with my life and why am I not as happy. I know it’s what’s in the heart that matters and drawing a smile, though sometimes fake, doesn’t mean that life is perfect. I know and understand that nothing is perfect. Nobody is. But when it comes to being almost insane because there’s this mystical power that never seizes in destructing plans, erasing dreams, and killing emotions.

A soft transparent droplet rolling down the valley time curved in skin.

 

I don’t know what do I want anymore. I don’t know what the purpose of my existence is. I don’t know why am I in this world. It’s just a matter of time before I know. Maybe my soul will ascend to the heavens before I find out. Maybe I’m here to add one ingredient to people’s lives. Maybe more. Maybe not.

I’m not going to talk about the times I’ve been let down. How many broken hearts and broken promises. Each one of these puts a nail into the coffin.

A burning ache in the heart

 

Maybe the desire to live and the eagerness to know more and to discover what’s hidden. The hope for a better future that never seems to even break its way through the darkness within my eyesight.

I’m indecisive and I have no idea what to do or where to start from. Starting from anywhere isn’t a solution because in my head, everything has to be within a specific instructed way.

Chain of thoughts is now broken

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About Nader Elkhuzundar

Nader Elkhuzundar is a commentator on Palestinian affairs and Co-founder of Beyond Compromise (www.beyondcompromise.com). Elkhuzundar occasionally freelances for The Guardian, International Business Times, and others. He's a social media enthusiast and tech savvy with particular interest in new technologies and analytics, and enjoys reading over Arabic coffee and dark chocolate.
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