Shattered Thoughts

I have always considered the candle as a symbol of hope because, it lights your way through deep darkness shattering it, making you see, step forward towards your goal, showing you the right path.

I have always considered my dad as my hero, a person I have always wanted to be like when I grow to become a father, a person I have always loved. My mom too, who still supports me, knowing how to make me smile, a person I’ve always wanted my wife to be like, loving, caring, sensitive, and beautiful.

I step into my room, close the door, and my world starts up. Another electric shortage, I light my candle, and play a good piano track I have always loved to listen to. I stare at this white blank page, wondering, asking myself so many questions.

I write to vent. I write because, it’s my passion. I write because, it’s my only way out. I write because I can’t do anything better than this. I write to share and because, I can’t keep this in my chest for long.

Here comes a night. A night one the sort I have always hated. A night that has never ended but with me being really sad, really shattered. Shattered thoughts, and memories.

The piano track has always moved me, and I always find it touching, reminding me of many things, awakening the good in me, and awakening the feeling of something of which I have not known a name.

A tsunami of feelings generated by raging thoughts, causing my heart to ache, and my tears to touch my bearded cheeks. Despite the fact that I have my down moments, but I have always been known for my bright smile, spreading love and hope around me, and those who have had heart-to-heart conversations with me are the ones who feel this the most.

I came back home, pissed off at how has life been recently, so tight, so unfair, so hopeless, yet food was the only thing I could think of right now. There was dad, mom, my sister, and I. Dad recognizes how pissed off and tired I am by the look of my face, and storms me with a thousand questions, not leaving me space to think nor answer.

Minutes later, dad loses hope and leaves the kitchen, and I start complaining to my mother about everything, and how I hate life being this way. Mom couldn’t really help, she just smiled, put her hand on my shoulder, looked at me in the eye and said, “Everything is going to be OK, son. Have faith”, then left the kitchen.

My sister has always been a venting space to me, she knows me good enough that she can tell me about what’s in my heart without me talking about it. It was too soon after my mom had left before I exploded, and talked my heart and mind out.

It was too pissed and angry to even recognize how bad was what I said, that it even attracted my dad back again to the kitchen telling my sister to leave me alone. Dad never knew that my sister was there for me to listen, telling her that she only makes me blaze even more, which pissed me off, to be honest.

I complained about how and why do those who seem to have no chance in anything at all manage to get everything done in no time because of something I’ve always hated, favoritism, not forgetting that what happens here is nothing different of what happens any where on earth.

I have achieved nothing, comparing to the majority of those I know. All of that is because I don’t go for favoritism. That has been one of the main reasons of me not getting me a real job, or even a scholarship, back from 2005 till this very moment.

My uncles, and aunts, and even close friends who managed to travel out of Gaza, couldn’t help me find a master’s degree scholarship. I have heard a million excuses, but I believed none. I guess there’s no benefit from helping me travel and get my master’s degree, no benefit to anyone, but me.

I can’t do more than be grateful to those who have tried to help me with that, not forgetting that those who did, are ones I have never met in life, ones I met on twitter.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and to you, I forever will be grateful. You have always been good friends, and always will.

I hope I can pay you back for all what you have done for me so far. One day we’ll meet in life and hopefully be able to pay back for a little at least.

Nader K.

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About Nader Elkhuzundar

Nader Elkhuzundar is a commentator on Palestinian affairs and Co-founder of Beyond Compromise (www.beyondcompromise.com). Elkhuzundar occasionally freelances for The Guardian, International Business Times, and others. He's a social media enthusiast and tech savvy with particular interest in new technologies and analytics, and enjoys reading over Arabic coffee and dark chocolate.
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9 Responses to Shattered Thoughts

  1. Haitham says:

    بدي أكتب بالعربي لأنه يوم الثلاثاء العربيّ على تويتر عندي 😀

    ما حأكثر كلام
    بس خليتني أسرح بكم فكرة!
    من بداية الإدراج و الكلام عن “رمز” الشمعة و معناها و أنا أفكر (مو إشي منيح! لا تخليني أفكّر!!!!) :p
    الله يوفقك يا نادر

    مرات كثير بنحس بخيبة أمل ، من الحياة ككل
    و بصراحة كمان
    ما حك جلدك مثل ظفرك!
    🙂

    • Nader K. says:

      ههههههههههههههههه
      والله تعليقك الرائع رسم الابتسامة على وجهي، لا وأضحكني كمان
      والله كلامك مزبوط .. بس أحيان الواحد بحتاج مساعدة الآخرين، بتبهدل وبتنقل قيمته وكرامته بتصير في الأرض وفي الآخر “تيتي تيتي متل ما رحتي متل ما جيتي”

      مشكور طال عمرك

  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention Shattered Thoughts « Sleepless in Gaza -- Topsy.com

  3. Haitham Al-Sheeshany says:

    🙂
    دنياااااااااااااااااااااااا

    !

  4. Please keep your chin up, do not allow either YOURSELF or others to rob you of your principles, never allow doubt about yourself to creep into your life.
    To many of us on Twitter you are very much admired and respected, this is worth more than gold or money.
    Remember that one day the current role you play (that of Son) will be switched, and you will be the Father, our parents DO NOT know best, this is not to say they don’t want the best for US. Sometimes even hero’s like our parents, at least appear not to understand us However they will always LOVE you (Good or Bad times).

    You will get there as long as you have faith in yourself….

    Your friend and Fan

  5. Maryam B says:

    Just believe in yourself, that’s all it takes.

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