Going through some hardships makes one believe that this is a test. God tests those he loves; tests their patience. But when one goes through countless hardships jumping from one to another and sometimes goes through multiple hardships at a time makes you start to think-if not believe-that this is torture.
I have never thought I would come to such conclusion, but going through hardship after another for the past twenty-four years has worn me down. Completely. A failure after another, I grew to know what’s wrong and what’s right. A hardship after another, I grew to start doubting things so unexpectedly like faith, justice, equality, humanity, and most importantly, life.
I can’t lie or hide the fact that I succeeded in doing things others haven’t been able to do. Two-time valedictorian, honors, 2 academic degrees, and a pile of well-known tech companies’ certifications of excellence were achieved in the past 5 years. Remaining unemployed till this very moment made me realize that all of this is not and will never do me any good as long as I don’t have connections which, I lack.
I don’t know if I still believe in anything anymore. All I see is a world falling apart while an even worse one is rising up. A minority striving to save what’s left while the majority is divided between not giving shit, and wanting a whole different world with a whole different bunch of everything you could possible think of.
A world in which, black isn’t treated equal to white with the latter occupying the shit out of the world bombing here and there feeding their greed spreading agony beyond their reach. A world in which, justice is for the white, along with everything else. A world in which, you feel like a stranger, in your homeland.
Not knowing when to expect the next whip, not even expecting any, especially from those you trust and feel comfortable with the most, blindly trust them and give them all they would ask for, is a stupid act. A friend, who would no longer want to be your friend because of a misunderstanding, because someone you both trust, made up a lie you both believed. A friend, who would not consider you a friend again because another mutual friend stabbed you in the back or because they are too damn greedy to pretend like it never happened, understand, and go on with life. A friend, who would act like you are still friends in front of everyone to nobody would speak a bad word of them and stab you in the back-if not even in the face- a thousand times. A friend, who sees you cry, and never moves neither a lip nor a finger. Friends who would talk the talk, but never walk the walk. Friends who would pretend like you don’t go through hardships and needing a good ear to open your heart to. A friend won’t do a thing even if you were dying. A friend, who is only your friend when they are in need. A friend that would put their benefit in front of anything. Including you. Friends that can do nothing better than letting you down.
It is sad how those we love and respect the most, are always the ones who let us down. I don’t think man was like this a thousand years ago. Or is it that the world has lost it all? No more feelings, no more real stuff. I doubt a lot of things in my life but at the same time. I believe thus I doubt. That’s how the world has always been and always will be. It’s all about belief, and doubt.
From life experience, to a chain of failures, to belief and a hint of religion, to universal yet oneself revolving issues, to friendship, and disappointment. This is how much of messed up it is.